Today is the 4th Anniversary of Lisa's passing. Here's what I have to say about it.

And I Shall Rise (and Lower)...

So much OW!!!

I don't do this often. but I'm doing it here --- Friend in need of copay for brain tumor surgery.

Today: July 23, 2015

I published the above to the blog because I wanted to mark it in a very public way. And I'll get into it deeper later.

But I'm in a pretty good place. And adding to that was that today I had the good fortune today to help a widow through her own journey. I received this comment on the blog and it made my day: "I really, really, really wanted to read 'And this is a detailed account of how I solved all the things in 20 days. Now with pictograms and coupons!' because, you know… grief sucks.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m grateful that you share what you learn as you learn it, and I am happy that we connected, and I am glad that you are healing. I know, my emotions are motley and mixed, but the message of hope in this piece was received and absorbed.

And I am thankful for that today. :)"

I did that. Me. My words. In a moment I changed someone's life for the better. I'm sad that we had to go what we had to go through for this to happen. But I am damned grateful that this part did happen.

I tell everyone that my personal philosophy is that "I try to leave it better than I found it." I don't often get to see that manifest in such a way. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel. I'm thisclose to tears. I am moved. And I just feel. I was going to add a qualifier there, but the truth is...I just *feel*.

So last night I posted this: "Said in regard to my cooking about 1 hour ago: 'God works through his fingers.'" --- not the entire story.

The "entire" story (or at least the more important parts) are that I am seeing someone casually right now and when I was cooking for myself I had extra and gave her some of my semi-famous mac & cheese and some penne (with 3 cheese sausage, sauteed vegetables [onions, pepper, mushrooms, broccoli, zucchini and wilted spinach] lightly dressed in a tomato basil sauce [no, the sauce was not homemade]).

When she brought it home, her family dug into the mac & cheese which was decent size for one person, but rather small for a brood. The above quote was from her 13 year old daughter who after tasting the mac & cheese said: "You have to keep this one around, God works through his fingers". I received a phone call to specifically tell me that.
Ain't gonna lie. Made me feel good.

I'm waiting for word on the penne with bated breath.

Not posted in FB: The word on the penne was "Awesome"! I CAN COOK!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Now I'm going to post this on FB. :D

Therapy is for Everyone, Even You


FYI: I started therapy after Lisa died. It has been immensely helpful in dealing with the grief and finding my new normal and getting back out and dating. My therapist has called me an "emotionally healthy person" and her "most emotionally healthy patient by far" and I still go. For me it's about having the tools that keep me being those things she described. Which is more difficult now than it was when Lisa was still with us. I have never felt sad or weak or less than because I do this. I feel like I'm taking care of myself, because I am. BTW, if my therapist read that last sentence she would tell me that that is one of the ways she knows that I am an "emotionally healthy person".

I should also point out that she thought I was an emotionally healthy person even before she started treating me. I came to her initially from a place of great mental trauma, so that was how we started, but I have learned a great deal via this medical/professional relationship and it provides me with the tools to cope in other areas. And so it goes.

#‎goodinformation‬ ‪#‎minorhumblebrag‬

I'm not a big April Fool's guy. I mean, I can watch and be entertained by the occasional prank, but for the most part it just isn't my thing. There is a part of me that cringes at having to look at everything written today as if it might be false. And I don't mean that in the "take it with a grain of salt" kind of way, I just mean just OMGNOTTRUE kind of way. Makes my head hurty.

Made a post on Friday about widowhood and dating and my awareness of some potential issues. There is an addendum at the bottom now.

CLICK HERE to read more.

An Intersection and a Revelation or 3

Read and share as you are lead.

Last night on The Big Bang Theory, Howard was brought almost to tears when the power went out and the contents of the freezer (the last food she ever made) was going to go bad. And later in that episode he was choked up and said the words "I'm never going to talk to her again."

It wasn't the last food that Lisa ever made, but the thought of losing anything related to her in that first year was devastating. When I gave away some of her clothes to charity that first Christmas it was because it was what she would have wanted (tax deduction) not because I was able to. As many of you know, that didn't happen until this past Christmas. And I remember saying those same words Howard said.

So I felt that moment. Felt it. Deep inside. Heck, writing about it I can still feel it.

But...

...it didn't rock me. I felt it, I was not floored by it. And that's OK. Not sure if I won't ever feel something, but if this is where I end up forever re: dealing with depictions of grief that touch me? I'm good with it. That's just fine.

I hope that made sense.

This is a FB post I made yesterday which was born off a comment I made in another post I made on Sunday. It should be easy enough to follow. I hope.

Yesterday, I posted about how I did Lisa's silly dance. And how it felt to be able to do that and remember her and how it brought a smile to my face. And some of you may have read it and liked it, but I wanted to share with you a comment that I left in the thread this morning, because I think it's important that you understand why that moment meant so much. Context is everything, and here is the context for that...

"She'd be ashamed that I said this in a public forum, but I need to explain so that everyone understands what this meant. Lisa was both introverted and shy and worried about what people would think of her. She was heavy and worried that she was an embarrassment to me when we'd go to some professional outing. She always used to think there was something wrong because I wasn't embarrassed. That silly dance was only done when we were alone and it was only for me. I knew what that meant. It meant she felt free enough in front of me that there was no shame. I was her safe space just like she was mine. And she'd do that silly dance and I wouldn't just smile on my face, but in my soul. I'd fall deeper in love with her in that moment, in no small part because that dance was a declaration of love for me. And as doofy as it was, that also made it one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. So when I said that I was doing that dance, all of that came back. And it felt good to feel that. And not to want to cry, but to raise my hands to the sky and just feel good. I bathed in the light. I haven't had as many opportunities to do that as I would like. Given what the past week was, I really needed/enjoyed this one."

...but there's more. In the 3 years since she died, that was the first time I did it, but it was the first time I even thought about it. The first time I had a thought of her that was ONLY filled with joy. Oh, there's a wistfulness now. A bittersweet aftertaste, but that's NOW, not THEN. And the thing is, that tinge of whatever in the now, doesn't overwhelm that warm feeling in my soul. I can't tell you tomorrow that there won't be tears associated with this, but I can tell you right now it just feels...right. And the world is a little less gray.

I will admit that some of this may have to do with the changing of the clocks and more light and warmer temps, but none of this stuff happens in a vacuum. I'm going to enjoy this feeling and think of the silly dance for a while.

Thanks for listening.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized how fortunate I was growing up. There wasn't a day in my life growing up where I didn't know that someone ALWAYS had my back. That there wasn't anything I could do that would stop my parents from loving me. And that does things to you. It sends you out in the world with hope, because why would you not have that.

Now I told you all of that to tell you this...

Today is my mother's 76th birthday. And I love her for this and so many more reasons. She's a special person and I count myself lucky to be her son. She'll never see this, this whole social media thing leaves her cold. But I'm going to tell the world I LOVE MY MAMA!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA*!

*Yes, I call her "Ma" or "Mama".

I wanted to thank everyone once again for the outpouring of love and support that I received yesterday. It mattered. You mattered. You made a difference. So Thank You So Very, Very Much!!!

You guys know and I say it enough, that my major philosophy in this life is "leave it better than you found it" and every day I try to do that. I try to drop a little goodness into the world. Not in the hope that it comes back to me, but in the hope that there is more goodness in the world. The world can use more goodness. And if my tiny drops make a ripple in the pond and someone's day is made better by me, then I smile knowing "I did that." So I will admit that some of it is in service to my ego, but you know what? We all do things in service to our egos. If those things are good and don't bring harm and are without malice, that really shouldn't be a measure of anything other than being human.

I say all that, because to be on the receiving end of something you believe in strongly is a beautiful thing. It is a powerful thing. And it is an uplifting thing.

Most of you know we're going into the hardest part of the year for me. March 4 is both a benchmark and a trigger and this March 4th will be 3 years since Lisa passes away. I think I have done OK with the widower thing. I'm taking care of myself, I have had a relationship, I am dating, I am doing things that I probably wouldn't be doing if Lisa was still alive. I grieve, but I am surviving. And from the day she died, I knew I would. The question was what form survival would take. I still don't know, it is a work in progress.

But part of that work and what makes a lot of the work possible is the support from my family and my friends and that includes you guys. I don't know if you can measure your own personal power when you know there are people who have your back. And having your back isn't some kind of all or nothing thing. It doesn't even require you to say a word or to do a thing for me to know this. I live with the security that if I call...you'll answer. That is HUGE. It doesn't make it easy, but it makes it easier. And you have done this, each in your own way.

But as much as I have inspired that love from many of you I have never met in person, in some I have inspired hatred. That gets to me. Not my ego as much as my understanding. It breaks my brain. I know logically you can do the right thing and get a wrong result, but the emotional part of me says "that's not how it's supposed to work." The truth is, that's how it's supposed to work. The world works as it does and we're along for the ride. And if we do the best we can to do the best we can, then what happens after happens. And then we continue on doing the best we can to do the best we can. But I have a tendency to feel worse from the bad review than good from the good one.

I think it was Jay Smith​ who once told me that I needed to imaging that I was on a stage standing with the people who loved me and looking out over the haters in the audience, and realize how crowded the stage was/is and how empty the audience was/is.

Yesterday, the stage was very crowded. And it felt good.

If you want to know the best gift I got this year, the answer is simple. I got LOVE. And I got it from every corner wrapped in a big red bow. And it is the gift that keeps on giving.

Thank you for being a part of that, and thank you for sharing the stage with me and for sharing yourselves.

Special note of thanks to Jay for his video reminding me of all of this and a note of full disclosure as normally I would write this and be bawling by the end. I got through this without a tear. Must be that lump of coal in my chest. ;)

Peace.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and wishes. I am overwhelmed and grateful and I feel loved.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that birthdays have been hard for the past 3 years. 3 years ago the house was burglarized on my birthday, and while they didn't get much, they did take some of my peace of mind. But that wouldn't have mattered if Lisa hadn't passed away 3 weeks later.

This is my 3rd birthday without her, and while it does get easier. Easier doesn't mean easy. So last night, I cried. And this morning I got up an cried. And as I read your kind words, I cry. And they are all different types of tears and different types of cries.

I have made it my mission today to do as many things that make me happy as I can. So far, I am looking snazzy and I have had a bacon & egg sandwich for breakfast (I don't set the bar too high. :)) and we shall see what the day brings.

But I want everyone who reads this to know, that this is a better day with you than without you. That you have and are helping me get through the struggle that comes with today and that means more to me than I can ever express.

Thank you. Love you all.

And crying again. Dammit.

March 4th will be 3 years since Lisa died. So the period between Christmas is a very sensitive time. There are bits and bobs of anxiety and/or depression. I spend more time OK than not, but the valleys are a little deeper during this time of year. I expect it.

I told you that to tell you this...

I've always said that the firsts are hard. And most of your firsts are accomplished in the first year after. Some of them come later. Today I had a first without realizing it until afterward when I was feeling that sense of anxiety/depression/grief. I went into an A.C. Moore to get some custom framing done (65% off) and the last time I went to do that was probably in 2012 at this same time. Oh, and Lisa's name was still attached to the account. I thought I handled it pretty well, until I was in the grocery store and I felt emotionally crappy. I went back over the past few days looking for the trigger and it actually took a while. How did I know when I found the trigger? The feelings flare when you hit it.

So I know what happened and why and now it is a matter of engaging the cope. This is a work in progress.

Thanks for listening.

I was just thinking about something and pardon me if I my thoughts go all astray as they are wont to do, but this is some significant stuff and I'm still sifting it through my mental fingers.

This was the first time since she died that Lisa wasn't "present" at Philcon. And what I mean by that is that for the first time since she died I wasn't a widower first and a fan second. I'm integrating.

That realization feels partially sad. It feels like abandonment on some level. And intellectually I know fully well it isn't. But you know the deal. Emotionally, them there feelings are working their magic.

And then there is the fact that last year at this time I hadn't even had my first date with Joanne starting off what would be my first relationship since Lisa died. And I started it just after Philcon and it ended a few months before. And maybe that's something else I got from the relationship aside from the fact that I could do the relationship thing.

Maybe I got more integration. The grief becomes less of an outside object I clutch and more of an internal one I access. I'm not sure if that's the best way to describe it, but it's the best I've got right now.

Don't get me wrong, she's always there, but how I cope...definitely changing. There's no manual so I am working this out on the fly. That's scary too. Wheeeeeeeeeeee.

- Do not buy more than you can carry. Plan ahead by taking a friend with you or ask a store employee to help you carry your packages to the car.

- Wait until asked before taking out your credit card or checkbook. An enterprising thief would love to shoulder surf to get your account information.

- Deter pickpockets. Carry your purse close to your body or your wallet inside a coat or front trouser pocket.

- Have your keys in hand when approaching your vehicle. Check the back seat and around the car before getting in.

- Do not leave packages visible in your car windows. Lock them in the trunk, or, if possible, take them directly home.

- Tell a security guard or store employee if you see an unattended bag or package.

...I want to thank KT Pinto for preventing me from slapping someone upside the head. Yeah, I know. The fact that I wanted to surprises me as well. It's not me at all. But in that moment....it was.

Let me tell you a story...

I'm modding a panel about the portrayal of geeks and fandom in fiction. You know that's going to involve "The Big Bang Theory" right? Because while we watch it and even be entertained by it as nerds, we generally feel a twinge because it seems to hold the archetype in contempt. And that's not necessary for the program to be funny. At least it shouldn't be. So there was one member of the audience that was not only defending TBBT, but he was doing it obnoxiously while ragging on other programs for their lack of realism sort of missing the point about television programming and entertainment. By a country mile.

I was breaking something down about TBBT and I slipped up and referred to "Sheldon" as "Leonard". Now, who amongst us hasn't actually referred to character A by character B's name? It happens. And usually the response is a gentle correction or even a snarky (but not unkind) joke at your expense. I would have been cool with that.

Instead I got: "You should know the characters if you're going to put down the show!"

OH HELL NO!!!

Amazingly he's still alive. My mental rage was not enough to melt him where he stood. KT placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and that is why I did not leap over the table and remove his arm and beat him with it. Which again if you know me, is SO NOT LIKE ME. KT mentioned that she had never felt vibes like that coming from me.

Most of this is of course hyperbole in terms of the bodily harm, but I was ready to say to him something I have never told any audience member before and that would have been for him to commit an impossible sexual act with himself. That Hand of KT prevented that. But I may have spent the rest of the panel speaking through my teeth.

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

...in fact it happened today.

I've mentioned this before. Just noting it here.

Today would have been our 18th Wedding anniversary. Feeling more "flat" with periodic bursts of sad. Not a hard day, but not an easy one either. Upright and functional. That is enough for today. I have managed a few errands and gotten some things done in the house. More to do and keeping busy helps. Originally had plans to do some stuff for myself and not just the day to day, but those plans fell by the wayside and honestly, not "up" enough for them. So today...I endure. And that's fine.

I sum up my feelings in a blog post HERE.  But a lot of what was written is based on assumption.   It's a little different living it in the here and now.  But there is still mostly acurate and still valuable.

Read/share as you are lead.